Things That Feel Good

TLC and Soup

So, last week I was supposed to get the Chemo again.

Let’s stop.

Chemo is on a 21 day cycle. I get the meds on day 1 and day 8, I get a shot on day 9 to up my white blood count and then we do it all over again on day 1.

Ok, I’m not going to explain that again. Ever. Maybe.

So, on the day 8 of this cycle, I got to have one of my oldest, dearest, most wonderful friends sit with me. A true gift. She sat with me and held my hand as the day began with my general panic attack. When my port got stuck and they had to do tricky things to get it to work, but also stick my veins in my arm multiple times, she squeezed my hand.

At one point she said, “You’re not squeezing me, I’m squeezing you!” And as I thought about it, what I felt in that moment was seen. I felt cared for. I felt loved. She was squeezing my hand because she could see that this shit is fucking scary AF and painful and brutal and awful in so many ways. And she knows. She sees. She’s there. And I love her so much. That’s some really special stuff there.

When they finally got my port to work and the bloodwork of my arm came back, we were still waiting for my premeds.

Let’s stop.

Premeds are things like Benedryl, anti nausea, and Ativan.

We’d been there a while. I mentioned a panic attack. Going into chemo knowing what chemo is like after thinking you were done with chemo is HARD. It just is. No matter how “strong” I am, no matter what kind of “warrior” you may picture me to be, waking up and going to chemo is HARD. Having people with you every step of the way is everything. They carry your things and they hold your hand and they get you water and crackers. But while my people can fill so may roles, what they can not do is deliver the sweet relief of my friend Ativan.

Where is my Ativan?

One thing I can do is read the room. I’ve been here long enough to know that something is up. And that something is probably not my white blood cells. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. I asked the nurse for Ativan and a copy of my labs and she brings both and spills the beans. I’m correct. My counts are low, they’re waiting for the doctor to come see me and what not, but ya, probs no chemo today.

So, I didn’t get the chemo. I got a bag of fluid. And I got a whole lot of love and had a great time with my friend. We looked through old softball yearbooks and laughed. I love her so much. And that feels good.

Next chemo will be day 1 again and they’ll use science and brains bigger than mine to figure out the percentage of meds that will keep my counts high enough on day 8 to get that medicine. Y’all, it’s scary AF, but I want that medicine.

Other things that Feel Good:

• Mary Tyler Moore

• Watching the Dodgers with my family

• Laker playoff shit talking, especially with children

• Art from your kids

• All the love and prayers being sent my way, don’t stop

• Adam

• The food you make me and my family

• Pretty dresses

• The Nook, especially the potatoes

• Wednesdays

• UGG slippers

• Temporary tattoos

• Dogs

• Old Episodes of the Challenge (but seriously someone get me the Real Worlds I can not find)

• Soup

• Babies