Pop!

My Imaginination V. Reality and What's up, Yo

Tuesday, 12/12

I’m so bloated that I have been scheduled for a paracentesis early this afternoon.

What I think that will look like:

A sterile white room. I’m in a hospital gown. There’s a locker to put my things away and a shower.. for what? The aftermath of the procedure? Yes. That must be it. They will pop me and I will explode goo and pus, (goop?), all over myself and all over the walls and furniture in the no longer sterile room. And then total relief and a flat stomach and when we leave the facility it’s to walk into the sunset, my arm holding my Adam, me doing that thing where you jump and kick your heals together to denote satisfaction and pure unbridled joy. I’m not bloated anymore, hip hip, hooray!

Brief Break While We Wait For a 1pm Appointment after which I’ll be able to describe what actually happens when you go in for a paracentesis.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Wednesday, 12/20

I’m back. That was last week. Apologies for the delay that you don’t even know happened. I promise I haven’t been in the popping room this whole time. Sadly, I am forced to report back that there was no explosive popping of my big huge popped out belly. There was a draining procedure that happened, but sadly it wasn’t the deliverer of relief that I had hoped it would be. As the ultrasound/drainage tech checked over my belly with her wand pre-procedure, she mentioned that she didn’t see much fluid in the imaging. Apologies, she said, I hope you feel some relief from this and I’m going to do it because your doctor wants to know what exactly is in there, but I don’t anticipate getting too much out of you based on what I see here. Fucking Great, thanks Drainer friend. How hopeful. How wonderful. How lovely. In the end she got out 1 bottle of my gooey insides. Apparently 1 bottle isn’t a lot, as expected. I felt a small amount of relief for a small amount of time, and that was nice. Now we’re back to the old mega bloat belly. I look very pregnant. I am very visibly distended. I feel very full and uncomfortable. I don’t recognize this body in the mirror. I’ve dropped some lbs this year and now I feel not small and svelte, but more like a blown up balloon walking around on chicken legs. Except they aren’t chicken legs. They are incredibly swollen tree trunks. Because I’m swollen all over. My body feels more foreign than normal and it’s disconcerting.

What else is going on…I’ve been somewhat MIA over here. To briefly update, I watch a lot of the show House. Should I be ashamed? Yes. Am I? Yes. But it is happening, so I figured I should report that news. Why am I watching so much House? I’m a little trapped in bed. Not like, totally trapped. But not like, not trapped. My mobility is not what I wish it was. The cancer is in my bones. Did I ever report that news? Uch, such gross ugly news. The place I feel this the most these days is my hip area. Walking is…tough. Getting in and out of bed is… tough. Finding a comfortable position for this silly sack of meat… tough. My hip and the swollen legs are just causing so much pain and havoc on my life. It totally sucks. But, as I’ve always done and will always do, I find the rainbows in the day whenever and wherever I can. It’s surprisingly easy. There is so much good in every day. Beauty, jokes, cuteness, yada yada yada there really truly is so much to be grateful for even with cancer and pain and swelling and so so many doctors appointments. House is a distraction from it all and leaves me with enough brain space to do crossword puzzles. Thank you, House.

Today was a scan day. I had a pet scan this morning and tomorrow I’ll see my doctor. I don’t know if she’ll have the images or results or any info from this pet scan, but I am hoping she does. Even though I am also hoping she doesn’t. It’s definitely a scary, yucky, anxious place to wait to hear how bad the cancer is wrecking your body. Your life. Yuck.

I also can not wait to see her reaction to my ridiculously swollen belly. Lol.