Am I dumb

12/16 = 3/4

I might be a little dumb, it seems. Today is day 12 of chemo!! 12 weeks I’ve sat in this chair, (well, sometimes that chair, but mostly this chair). I’ve gone from being terrified of the process to finding peace and gratitude in Porter Ranch. Chemo hasn’t been as bad as tv and my imagination had led me to believe it would be. Anyway, I am a beautiful fucking badass so this chemo was basically a piece of cake, easy peasy, a whole lot of bark with very little bite for me. I’m a little dumb because I thought today was the last chemo. I’d been looking very much forward to this day. I knew I had a few more infusion center dates with my beautiful nurses, but I thought that was just for some quickie immunotherapy seshes. Wrong. I found out last week it is not. It’s just the last week of this chemo. Next time we start new meds. Oops. My bad. On top of the shock of having 4 more chemo to go, they keep telling me how hard the next round will be. Could be. They can’t know how I’ll react, after all.

The only way to deal with it, it would appear, is just like when you go on a bear or lion hunt. You can’t go over it. Can’t go through it. You really can’t even go around it. Too big, I guess? When you hunt bears and or when you have cancer you just have to go through it. I just wish I hadn’t been a little dumb and that I hadn’t gotten a little excited internally about the prospect of my hair growing back soon..I mean being done with chemo.

After today 4 more chemo. The hard one. The one that makes me cry to think about. The one I have grown to dread since I found out about it. My wise baby cousin reminded me yesterday that we’re most scared of the things we don’t know and that soon enough I’ll know, I’ll find out how bad I’m going to feel from the new drugs and then, boom, not so scary. 4 more chemo after today!!